5 Questions the Financial Aid Office Won’t Answer

“Welcome to the Financial Aid Office. According to my calculations, you will be making about $30 a month. In order to pay off your student loans, you will owe $33 dollars a month, your firstborn child, and you’ll be contracted to a traveling circus for three years after graduation.”

The Financial Aid Office exists to assure students that the above conversation will not happen, but students still quake in fear every time student loans come up. In a perfect world, students will be able to ask the hard-hitting questions of their financial aid advisors, but those professionals have a strict code that guards against these inquiries.

1. What job has the best sleep to money ratio?

A perfect job gets you your full eight hours and six figures. Of course, the powers that be keep this job tightly under wraps. How could they let anyone be so blessed? You’d love to ask financial aid if they know the secret to beauty sleep and a beautiful paycheck knowing you’ll have student loans to pay off in a short four years, but they’ll never spill.

2. What’s the government’s policy on fleeing the country after graduation?

If no one knows that you found a new crib on an island in the Caribbean, no one can take 30% of your monthly coconut-milk- selling income to pay off your loans. Your financial aid advisor might throw around silly terms like “bad credit” and “extradition” and “felony,” but don’t let them scare you. Remember: financial aid advisors hate being treated like travel agents so they will not tell you the best beaches to build your hut on.

3. Can I still sell my hair and teeth like in Les Mis?

If prospects are as bad as they say and you can’t get paid for your college degree, you could try getting paid for being the diligent flosser you tell your dentist you are. Switch to a shampoo with natural ingredients and brush those pearly whites like the Tooth Fairy is watching. Your financial aid advisor probably won’t be able to give you an estimated price per inch of hair, so stick to other questions.

4. Where can I learn to count cards?

You could spend your time in Calculus, or you could learn some applied mathematics. Differentials and the math behind interest make students doze off. The fast-paced world of gambling makes facts and figures into profit. Don’t ask financial aid where you can learn the illegal art of counting cards because you can count on a very dirty look.

5. How do you sleep at night?

You expect the answer will be, “On a big pile of your money.” Financial aid’s staff unfortunately plays the bearer of bad news often. Don’t take out your frustrations with The Man on the men and women that try to help you pay for your education. Believe it or not, financial aid does not cackle as it steals change from the cracks in your futon. Give financial aid a break and maybe they’ll let you leave with a free pen.